One day, I woke up from a nightmare that all my primary school photos was gone. So I decided to upload it to google drive and share it to people who might treasure the memories.
While I was looking at my primary school photos, I saw some videos and pictures of me playing the Chinese diabolo. I was like, was I once so confident?
Because I don’t remember it at all. Even if I dropped the diabolo, I still held my chin up, keep my smiles on. Like nothing happened. I forgot that I was once like that. I sincerely enjoyed what I was doing.
I wonder what changed me? How I become someone who doubted myself so much? Ever since I venture into UX and some psychological stuff, I am always curious about what makes people who they are today, why people behave the way they do. So I try to track it down for myself too. I know I had to write it all out, so that it won't stay in my head bothering me again.
I guess, it all started with a friend, and a teacher.
I remember when I was in secondary school, I was chosen as president. The moment I was chosen, my teacher advisor told me:
“You are not my ideal candidate. I wanted the other girl to be president. I don’t think you can do this. But you will do it because you got the majority votes.”
“You are not enough.”
Ever since then, I was treated like air. Like I do not exist.
My teacher advisor favoured another junior, and she always treated her like the current president. I know it is not the junior’s fault, but it still hurts.
Before I become the head, my comrades, they are not doing their jobs due to selfish reasons.
Then when I talked to my senior, hoping to get some help, all she said was: “That is your problem, not ours.”
I am very alone here. Alone.
When I finally sack some of my committee members, my teacher advisor asked me to write a letter to show my society that I am the one that is wronged.
I go against her of course, I said, the only wrong thing that I ever made is not quit this toxic society.
My comrade, who is also my best friend. She disappears when important things happen. My teacher advisor still turn a blind eye even though she did not do anything, because she loves her so much.
I remember she went for a vacation leaving all the unfinished work behind. I had to skip my classes, all day long working in the office finishing off her job.
My teacher advisor said this: “I know it is not your fault. But what can we do? You are the president. It is your job.”
I am the president so I have to do a lot of things.
I have to take up this responsibility. I can't let my juniors down. They need me.
I have to take queen guides.
Eat bugs for fear factor.
That’s why until today I still can’t overcome this fear.
I am desperately afraid of worms and bugs.
My friend and I, we had an understanding in the beginning that since we are involved in two different society.
But, on that day, the big finale, she left, because she fought with that teacher advisor.
Leaving all the work behind.
So I had to do it.
I didn’t sleep that night. I went home to shower, then I went back.
I finish my work, then I need to look after my other society.
I was wearing so many hats back then.
When it is all over, she came back, celebrating.
I want to cry, but I can’t.
She told me, ”I am so grateful that I have you. I love you.”
"You're the best!" She said.
I smile. I try not to break the smile.
My friend, she is a good person, she is.
She care for me, I never doubted her heart.
But behind the words, I still feel like I am not enough.
She has a strong opinion on how I wear, how I didn’t have enough picture of her in my social media.
“I can’t believe you are this close to her.”
“She is my primary school friend!”
“Am I less than her? Is that why there are so little images of me? Just to let you know, you are always my top priority, no matter what.”
I hate lying, but I am forced to help her lie to her parents.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I told another friend about this.
He told me: “If you can still describe your pain, means that you are not in enough pain. Because if you are truly in pain, you can’t even describe it.”
So I believe that. For many years. That’s how I make through all the pain.
I used to not like my friend’s boyfriend at the time, because I think they jump into the relationship too quickly.
I am a very backward thinking girl, I just think she should focus on other things, like studies, and our society.
Yet, after she breaks up, it was her ex-boyfriend that comforted me.
“I never seen you smile before.”
“I understand.” he said.
That moment, I think he is the only who does.
People always has extreme feelings towards her. They either LOVE her, or HATE her.
Not us. I don’t know how I feel towards her. Because she is genuinely nice to me, yet, it hurts.
Many years later, I worked out my feelings too.
I feel disgusted.
Disgusted.
I do. I really do.
So I seek to escape. But I can never escape it, she is like a shadow that follows me everywhere wherever I go.
I cried, people don’t understand. They think that I am just too narrow minded, and holding into grudges.
They blame me for not understanding, overreacting, told me that this is not a trauma.
Things like that will happen again in the future.
That’s what they told me.
They told me people change, you need to give people second chances.
You and her, you guys were young. You guys were teenagers.
But I just can’t. I am suffering every moment, I am forcing myself to like her and love her.
I must love her. If I don’t, what I am? Everyone loves her.
She showed baby photos of us to our classmates.
I want to smile, I want to pretend that I love it too.
But I can’t. I really can’t. I want to cry, but I can’t.
I am so consumed in my own thoughts.
I want to die.
Please let me die.
I tried many things. I join clubs, society, to keep myself busy, but it is not working.
I joined Sunday meetings, but it is not working.
What’s the point of living? I am a monster. I don’t recognise myself anymore.
I prayed hard to God, dear God, if You are real, please take my life. Please.
Why are people being nice to me? I am a monster.
No one will understand me, I am a weirdo.
I never hated myself so much, I wish I don’t exist.
I wish something terrible would happen to me and take my life away.
I wanted to scream, I wanted to hide under the table.
I want to die. I really do.
I should lose some weight, that way people would love me better.
I am so fat. I want to lose weight. I should not eat.
I had a very terrible panic attack, all the pain that this five years accumulated burst inside me. Then, I went to see a therapist.
I was in a terrible state, but that’s when I learned about CBT, tried to rewire my thoughts.
I have been seeking for validation the entire time, to seek proof that the memory is traumatic to me. Yet, my therapist told me, no one could validate that memory for you, except for yourself.
Because, they are not you.
I don’t know how people still stay with me, bear with me, even though I am monster.
I was hiding under the table, crying, screaming vicious thing.
But he is still there. My brother. He never left.
“Go away. I am a monster. Everyone should stay away from me.” I said
He talked to me, calmly. “We never left. We are always here. You need to climb up from the hole yourself, but remember this, we never left you.”
Suddenly, I put myself into my parents shoe.
If I have a precious daughter, who can’t see how precious she is.
That I spend my whole life, caring and loving her.
She is the reason why I worked hard, I feel happy to see her strive doing what she love.
But now, she is starving herself, wanting to take her life away, for unnecessary people who mistreated her. How would I feel?
My heart aches.
I cried. What a terrible daughter I am.
My friends, they never left too.
I send a message, but I deleted it.
With the different time zones, it should not have been seen. But he saw it.
He said: “I saw that message, let’s try to work this out together.”
I wanted to scream, tell him that nothing good will happen if he were to be my friend.
I am a monster.
I went to the park.
I cried in the park.
“You shouldn’t try to convince yourself. You have to believe it yourself.”
Slowly, I tried to live. I follow what the therapist said. I paint.
I still woke up from nightmares. But my brother, he is there. My friends, they are there for me.
My friends, they are so precious to me.
When I was a monster, they treated me like I am an angel.
They care for me. They love me. They do. I believe that now.
I am someone worth loving.
“No matter what happens, I will always be here, to remind you that you are loved.”
I lost my confidence, self-worth, but I know I will find it back.
This has developed for years, and now it is only the start of healing.
Remember, all depression and suicidal symptoms build up over times.
You need time, to redo this again. To rewire your thoughts.
If you are reading this and is experiencing suicidal thoughts, feeling alone, please don’t be afraid, because I will be here with you too.
You are not the only one.
Now, I am so grateful with what I have.
I will spend my time wisely, I will cherish the moments with my friends and family.
Because they love me, for who I am.
Whether I am a monster or not;
They hug me, for who I am.
That all my broken pieces came back together.
They remind me that I am someone worth loving.
Now, I feel like I am the richest person in the world.
So blessed. So lucky.
Dear stranger, thank you.
Thank you for reading this far.
I feel like the poison have been extracted out from me.
Thank you for being with me through this journey.
Love,
qian.
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