I was talking to a friend the other day and she was going on a camping trip with her boyfriend. I told her, I don't think I will ever enjoy myself on a camp date. I had too much bad memories associated with camping.
I told my other friend about this and he contradicted me with some pictures. He managed to find pictures of me from a join-camp that we both participated in. I was smiling in most of the pictures.
Ahh my friends look so adorable awww.
And I found this picture too, from my album.
I look at myself as if I am staring at a stranger's memory. Is that me? I don't remember it at all. I guess my brain just choose to forget the happy memories and really focus on the bad ones instead.
It is kinda like when a person brings you both happy and sad memories, and the sad memories outweighs the happy ones, then you will just remember the sad memories, and it turns the happy memories into sad ones.
When someone says happy camping memory, I only remember this:
Recently, I saw some young people who post suicidal thoughts on social media and did self harm to their body. I feel so sad. They should not be thinking about all these at this young age. They should be carefree, happy, and enjoying the moment. Then it occurs to me, I also had thoughts like this when I was 16. So who am I to tell them to stop having those thoughts? Lol.
A pretty knife or a necklace of rope? (bad example, do not imitate lol.)
Disclaimer: I am sharing these not to put blame on anyone. I never regret of my choices, as it makes me a stronger person today. I just felt really sorry to those people whom I choose to cut off my connection with.
Over the years, I tried to validate my experience from other people. Some would just look at me with disbelief, stating that: "What? you are stressed over these little things? Don't be bother, don't waste your time. Some people been through worst, like military people."
People won't understand me. They just don't. (And why is it so important for me to validate my feelings? Why do I need people to prove my pain?)
I remembered one time, my panic attack striked when I was in a camp that I organised.
After that, my teacher advisor made a comment: "You seemed to not have the capability to handle stress. 一点点压力就这样。”
I don't know what to feel. The first two years joining this society, everything seemed fine. I guess I had fun, picking up some life skills on the way. Until late 2013 when we need to organise a camp, and this is when all the drama starts. Back-stabbing, endless blaming and little help from the experienced. We were only 15.
When I was 16, I was appointed to be the president for this group. I got most votes from my juniors, yet I know that I am not the preferred leader from my teacher advisor's point of view. My teacher advisor told me in person that she don't think I have the capability to do so, and she wanted my comrade to be the president.
I thought things would get better since I am the one that holds the highest power in this society, I could make some changes, especially to the bad culture of favouring. Yet, little did I know I am stuck in the middle of this. My teacher advisor seemed not to like me that much. A few times while making big decisions, she would just ignore me, and just tell my comrade what to do, or even worst, directly to my junior, whom is her favourite (who turned out to become my successor after I left, no surprise) disregarding that I am in the very same room. Hello? I am still here.
It was a one-man-show. My comrades, they have the position, but ran away from responsibilities. Most of the part, I had my juniors helping me to finish the jobs. I was all alone most of the time, doing secretary/treasurer/assistant job because they all have their own priority. I was hardly in class, I even failed my add-maths and got E/D for my science subjects. Sometimes I skipped school exams as well.
I remembered one time I was finishing off Secretary job because my comrade is away for travelling. My teacher advisor look at me in the eye, and said this: "I know this is not your responsibility...but what can you do? You are the president."
And when my comrade comes back, she just thank me for 'always being there for her'. Why didn't I just get mad at her? Maybe at that time, I am more afraid to lose her, she was important to me. I just keep going on, even though incident like this happened a few times.
Even at district/national level camps, I was treated differently because of my ethnicity. Favouring never ends here. I am not good at flattering people.
And finally, I held a meeting. I fired three of my comrades from their post.
(But not the one whom I was really close too, I made excuses for her. Maybe I was turning a blind eye as well.) The funny thing is, I am still in talking terms with those whom I fired, they even comforted me and told me they understand why I made this decision. I cried during the meeting, after the meeting. All day. It feels like forever.
What's worse, was my teacher advisor asked me to write a self-declaration letter of my guilt and post it in the public notice board, telling my people what I did wrong that lead to this scenario after this meeting. It is called 罪己诏。For those who didn't know what is that:
罪己诏是中国古代君主下发的反省诏书，旨在承認自己的过失，改变政策。
It is a declaration post that is made by monarchy of ancient China announcing their guilt.
I am the president of this society. Don't I have the right to fire off people who did not do their work? It seems that it is my fault that they did not do anything. I remembered I tried to seek help before, but all my predecessor said was: "It is your problem. You need to solve it yourself, we can't do anything." Maybe because she had other priorities at that time, I did not get the support and help that I needed.
In the end, I did wrote the self-declaration. But, the only 'wrong' that I can think of is that I didn't leave the society for good in the end of year 2013. I can't lie. So that's what I wrote.
After that, my teacher advisor also made me promise something to redeem my 'guilt'. She wants me to come back to help the juniors during camps for the subsequent years to come.
Hell no.
I said no. I can't make promise what I can't keep. Honestly all I have in my mind is to leave this hell as soon as I graduate, and never to have any contact and association with this terrible society.
The moment when I graduate, I pack up all my log books, all my uniforms, my name tag shining in silver engraved with my name Chua Wen Qian/President, even batches that I collected from an international camp (people would be dying to get those, honestly, a lot of them are limited edition), and donated them away. I even gave away my Queen Guides Hat.
The only thing I kept is my sash, and the letters from my juniors. Those are the things that I will treasure forever. But for the rest, I don't want to touch it all. Every time I see it, I had a feeling of disgust, and it was at such intensity that I think keeping them, occupying a space in my cupboard is a from of toxicity.
This was me with my cert, my hat, and my uniform. It was not easy getting this award. I was smiling but I was unhappy. I did not do this for myself. I gave up a lot of things for this, including my passion towards music at that time, and my SPM trial results. I am supposed to finish my grade 8 piano examination. But it's okay, because I am happier now. :-)
I keep referring that place as 'hell'. I used to care a lot when people think I am over exaggerating calling this "hell". Like, you are only 17, and you call this 'hell', how are you gonna survive in the real world? You got a roof, you got bread on the table.
But, I am the only one who can decide what 'hell' looks like to me. I don't need other's validation, because everyone has a different life story and their perception will be different. I wish I learned this earlier, that would end my suffering for the subsequent years a lot sooner. Only when you accepted that yes, that was hell for you, and yes, you were hurt, then only you can start healing from it.
Today, I am much happier, much healthier, and learned how to say no to toxic people.
I filtered out a lot of unnecessary people in my life, I started to see meaning in life.
It's okay if you are a little broken, because we are all humans.
You're not alone, there are still a lot of wonderful things in life.
Take care.
xx
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