Phase 1: I can't handle Instagram anymore
People who know me personally might notice that sometimes I "appears" and " disappears" on instagram from time to time.
Activating and Deactivating my main account was a norm for me during the past few years. First of, Architecture wasn't the easiest major. It is a common knowledge that this crazy major requires a hell lot of focus attention and energy. I use this reason to validate my inactivity on instagram, and the longest I go without instagram was about 4 months.
In truth, I feel so stressed out looking at artificial interactions, and unnecessary pressure that I put on myself, especially for goals that are unattainable and unrealistic.
I was an extreme person. I unfollowed many of the acquaintances, classmates, people who did nothing wrong, and also who did not deserve my total isolation.
But I still did it. I used the Marie Kondo method. Which account sparks joy, and which does not? I filter out all the people I follow, from abt 400 accounts down to 69.
When people ask me about my instagram when they first met me, I hesitated. I feel like instagram becomes some sort of resume that allows people to judge you or get an idea of you before even know you in person.
But what is in there, it is all my past. Or how I wanted others to perceive me. It is still definitely part of me, but it is not the entire me. Will our interaction change, after you get to know my past? Or more explicitly, what you think is my past?
Having my account also make it worst as I am not working in my field, temporary taking a break. Most of my friends carry on in the architecture industry. I can't help but feeling wasted and useless. There is a saying that "Those who can't do, teach." I feel stupid.
It is a humiliation every time when I try to answer questions like why did I not end up working in the architecture industry, (so I always try to hide my background lol, because to be honest, it is like hearing a medical student decide to give up their career as a doctor and teach biology). Not to mention those reactions from my relatives (What??? Why?????)
I have to remind myself, that I am a Honours student that go through a six months research program, got Cum Laude GPA and did really well in architecture school to prove that I am not among the "Those who can't do".
I graduated from UW, a world top ranking university.
And also, I got offers from two architecture Graduate School for Masters of Architecture Program, and btw, requires a lot of time and effort, good personal statements, good GRE test results and also a good portfolio to get admitted.
I could hear my classmates all over again:
"Wen, it is illegal to be this efficient."
"Wen, the over-achiever."
"Wen, do you ever have holidays? It is Thanksgiving."
"Wen is the first one who is done with her presentation board and model. Why are we not surprised anymore?"
And yes, I need to keep reminding these myself to not feel stupid and useless.
Phase 2: Maybe it is not that bad
So I just leave my main account active, but I logged out. I found peace and joy in my arts account kamimono. People who really love me, and truly care about me will follow my art account anyways, so I will still be in touch with people I love. There are genuine interactions, kind words from other art accounts that appreciate my works. I start to feel better and motivated.
This is when I start realising that instead of making it your own profile that are free for anyone to access and judge, it could be a platform, for ideas sharing. You won't feel that stressed out as you are just sharing your thoughts, your works, trying to help others. Just being you.
Every time when I think, maybe my artworks inspire somebody today;
Or maybe, it make them smile;
Or maybe, they feel better after looking and my posts.
I am happy with that thought.
Phase 3: Logging in back to my main account
So it so happens that I need to retrieve some of my old rendering on my account so I log back in. And then I just leave it there.
Adulting is never easy, as I still feel that in working life, there is a lot of artificial interaction, drama, and politics going on. Plus, Pandemic. Lol.
Fortunately, I had some really genuine interactions because of the nature of my job.
The young minds, they are simple, straight forward, and authentic, most importantly, unadulterated. I tried to hide my social media accounts as long as possible, but well you know Gen Z. They can do anything if they put their minds in it.
So they found me. And they started to follow me at both my accounts. And I don't find that it makes me stressful. I realised that it don't bother me as much anymore.
I really enjoyed my time with them, even it is part of my work.
I guess I am healing. Till then. See you again. Thank you for reading this far. :-)
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