I started to diet back in mid 2016. It was for some stupid reason, I was going through some stuff that makes me feel like I am not good enough.
All I wanted at that time is to lose weight fast. So that’s when I started to cut out carbs from my food. I remember eating salad meals after meals, running everyday on the treadmill. Sometimes I could burn 1000 calories just by running. I guess that’s how it all started...
I don't blame any particular events/people that trigger this, as I believe it is a snowball effect from collective moments in my past life experience + my nature/character.
Over the years, I tried all sorts of different diets, you name it. Keto, No-Carb, intermittent fasting etc. I guess a good thing is I picked up a skill in the process, I am able to tell the amount of calories in most food that you show me. An apple, an egg, a bowl of pasta, you name it. I can estimate how much calories in each food just by looking at the food.
I don't really know what happened in the past four years. I remembered I was unhappy, I lose some weight here and then, and experienced the yo-yo effect, gaining it all back. I am stressing over mainly things that I could not control, especially my interpersonal relationship. What really kills me inside slowly is every-time when I go back to Malaysia, people would make comments about my appearance. I know they do it without bad intention, but when they say that I look plump and put on a few weight during my time abroad, I really feel really, really bad about it.
I compare myself with people on instagram, thinking to myself: why am I not skinny, why am I not pretty? Why I am so ugly? I watch my peers becoming a better person, they look better, they are skinny, attractive, and have a good career; while I am still stuck in my shell, looking fat and uglier every year.
Every-time when I come back, I wanted to hide. I don't want to meet anyone. I avoid taking pictures because I could not stand to see my 'fat' self. I hate looking into the mirror. So I cut off people from my life, cutting off the connection with people from my past, especially those who I associate with my painful memories.
I am going to bring the spotlight to 2019 summer, since that’s when drastic results really show. I exercise every single day during that summer. I always feel guilty about eating even though it is a normal portion for a healthy adult. I remembered running the very first half marathon in my life, and this is motivated by a bowl of noodles that I felt guilty of eating. I swam for two hours non-stop, because I ate a cake from Starbucks Reserve. During this process, I wrote down what I eat and tracked my weight. At first the result is very prominent, I can see my weight drop immediately. But for the cost, my period has gone missing in the process, and I had hormones imbalance issue where I keep having breakouts. Nevertheless, I didn’t care, all I know is that I need to lose weight and look pretty. That is what's on my mind.
When studying abroad in Italy at end of 2019, I was also taking apple cider vinegar tablets believing that it would help me to lose weight. My portion shrinks during that time, not allowing myself to have another extra bite, and I tried my best to avoid desserts.
Nevertheless, I had a good time in Italy, it was very memorable. I was not troubled by my interpersonal relationship like how I was back in Seattle. So I guess my stress level was reduced a little too. When I finally got back to Malaysia, I was astonished to find out that I lost 10kg, and just weighted 2kg more of my weight when I was 17. I was really happy and hope to lose the extra 2kg, even though it is unrealistic for my height, as I am 168cm. I would be underweight if I really lose more than that.
Even though I got compliments from people around me that I lost weight, I had some health issues. Because I eat so little and was taking the apple cider vinegar tablets, I had gastric and indigestion issues. I keep having headaches, feeling weak most of the time. But I ignore all the warning signals from my body, because why does that matters anyway? I already had my results, and I look skinny. I just need to keep going and lose more weight to be happy.
I got back to the states in early 2020, and my weight started to come back. I am back to the stressful interpersonal relationship environment. Maybe because of it, I gain all the weight that I lost. It really scares me.
My dieting cycle starts again, but I did not have any prominent results this time. I feel so hopeless, like a loser. I can’t fit in the clothes I bought in end of 2019.
It was painful to me as the insecurities from my weight really bothers me for more than 3 years. Watching all my effort goes into vain, I had a panic attack and I honestly, lost the will to keep living.
So this was my history dealing with eating disorder.
I don’t know how I recovered. I was introduced to this “All in diet” by a YouTuber, it is basically a way to recover from eating disorder. So the first step is you got to allow yourself to eat everything. Even though you might gain a few weight in the process, you will eventually reach a plateau. I have also stumbled across another girl's post, she has the same insecurities with her weight and had a similar experience. The only difference for her case is that it has affected her health so drastically and she need to do a Gastroscopy Upper Scope Test to see what's wrong with her stomach. She also stress eating fruits after fruits (the safe food) and breakdown after that. She tried to make herself vomit after eating a big meal. I relates her experiences a lot as I see so much of myself in her.
If you have read until this point, and if you are ever planning on going on a diet for non health-related reasons, please take my advice as a grain of salt. Listen:
You're beautiful as you are. Even though if you gain a little weight, lose a little weight, you're still beautiful. I am serious. Look around you, look at the people who holds you dear.
I try to establish a healthy relationship with food. Rather than thinking about what to eat to lose weight, I changed my mindset into how to eat to be healthy. Are carbs really that bad? No, it is not. Those people who are so skinny because of food deprivation and starvation, they actually looks like they are dying. We have to feel blessed that we actually have food on our table, and can enjoy food because we are healthy.
I forgotten that I was once a child. There was a period that we eat and didn't think about food so much. Remember? We all been through this. When we were a baby, we just eat when we’re hungry, stop when we’re full. Food is a necessity, it is neutral. You shouldn’t be classifying food as good or bad. If you listen to your body, and love your body enough, it won’t let you overeat bad stuff.
When I start to worry about my insecurities, I look at my cat Leonna. All she does is just eat, sleep, play, repeat. When she is angry, she might bite you; but when she wants your attention, she will want to cuddle with you.
I look at the birds from my window.
I want to be like them.
Today, I really don’t care about the timing/ food type that I eat anymore. I just eat whatever I want, but in moderation. I just let my body decide. I trust her. I love her.
I hope you love yourself too.
xx
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